The Sacred State of Metamorphosis
As I sit outside and write on this beautiful summer day on the coast of Maine, I notice the abundance of swallowtail butterflies in my yard. Welcome, I say to them. I have made every effort that I possibly can to rewild a portion of the land that I live on to invite pollinators of all kinds, so this is indeed a lovely scene to witness!
Interestingly, I have made many references to butterflies in relation to the path we take through chronic illness and pain. I even used word “metamorphosis” when I wrote in my journal about the first time I really sank into the reality of being so ill:
As my physical handicap increased, the need to use a wheelchair increased as well. This metamorphosis stripped me of everything, every identity I recognized as me. Everything around me, my attachments: friends, career, home, independence and physical fitness connected me to my old identity. Now, there was nothing to connect me to that. I was no longer the Tina I knew. The stranger in the mirror seemed like a shadow of her former self.
If you have also experienced a loss of identity through navigating chronic illness and pain, I would call this the pupa stage. It’s where we are changing so much we cannot recognize ourselves - we feel like pure mush. But hang in there - you will reform yourself with the right supports. Recognize that your innate radiance lives within you and has so much power! The problem is that we often give our power to what’s happening externally rather than what we can access within us.
In our culture, we identify so much with our external, physical life. We identify with what our bodies look like, how it functions, what our career is, and what kind of house and car we have… We can even make the dangerous choice to begin identifying with our diagnosis, once we receive it. What I learned during my own metamorphosis is that we are so much more than how we identify ourselves. Who are we without the job, the car, the house, and our physical health? Going further, Who are we without the illness? It takes time to accept that there’s no going back - only forward.
Like many people in Western culture, I equated my worth with my productivity. As I stepped into the realm of shamanism (or rather, as it hurled me into its realm), I ventured onto a path that informed me that we are so much more than what we do or how we label ourselves. Who we are - in its fullest light and power - is a concept that has little to do with our identity or any labels. We are human beings, undulating particles and waves in our own unique frequency in this world.
We often marvel at butterflies. They are fragile but incredibly strong. The monarch, for instance, travels 2,000 miles every third generation to the same place in Mexico, in order to breed, lay eggs, and die. Somehow, the third generation of monarchs have innate, hardwired instructions to fly 50 miles per day in order to get to their final destination. They carry this coding within them from the time they hatch from eggs, and even through the intense metamorphosis they endure to become. I personally find this fascinating! The Mexican holiday Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertos) also occurs when the monarchs appear. According to traditional belief, the monarchs are the souls of Ancestors who are returning to Earth for their annual visit. If you’d like to learn more about these fascinating creatures, check out Migration of the Monarch on PBS. To many people around the world, butterflies are wonders. They are also metaphors for the mirculous death and rebirthing process.
While the chrysalis is formed, the caterpillar digests itself, releasing enzymes to dissolve all of its tissues. The contents of the pupa become a “caterpillar soup” of sorts. Once a caterpillar has disintegrated all of its tissues, there begins a rapid cell division required to form the wings, antennae, legs, eyes, genitals and all the other features of an adult butterfly. I often ponder whether the creature experiences any pain during this intense transformation or whether it knows what’s happening to it. Indeed, it’s something I intend to journey on in the near future.
If you are struggling with chronic illness and pain, I wonder if you could see yourself going through your own metamorphosis to reframe your story? What if there is a portal within the chaos of illness that is leading you to another way of being? What if you’re the hero/heroine of your story? What if you emerge from your chrysalis with a new set of wings, a unique wisdom, and a fresh perspective of life as you envision your innate, radiant self carrying you through that portal of your inner power?
One of the things I said to myself when I was at my lowest point during my illness was: "If I make it through this, I'm paying it forward.” After some struggling, I was blessed to find the right supports during that time. These supports were pivotal in helping me envision a portal to the other side of my illness. I really do believe that it takes a village.
Chronic illness can be a lonely, isolating road. You aren’t able to do the things you used to - and that may include the social life you used to have. You may not be understood by family or friends, or medical professionals. For anyone going through the challenges that illness brings, you deserve to be seen and heard where you are, as you are. You deserve to have space held for your experience.
As a shamanic practitioner, I do not focus on seeing illness. I see the spirit of illness, but I am able to see beyond it, deep into your innate radiance. This serves as a point of reference for the Light that you are without having to do or be anything other than you. My superpower is being able to shine a light on the parts of you that you need to feed to disentangle your energy from your illness. It’s from this place that my helping spirits and I help you ignite your innate radiance, which is living and breathing within you, and to help you feed that radiance so that you begin separating from the spirit of your illness.
My greatest wish for you is that from this moment on, you start becoming clearer about what you believe is possible and begin feeding that. Are you ready spread your wings? 🦋
