Tending to Your Heart is Resistance
January has evolved into a surprising time. As some of you may know, in December 2022, I slipped and fell on black ice barely noticeable on the stone front steps of my home. Ironically, I was about to sand the walkway, and was holding a heavy bucket of sand which increased the force of impact. That fall broke my spine in four places and severely damaged my hip. I remember laying on my stone walkway in shock and motionless for the first few minutes. It was a scary experience, yet interestingly, the crows that I have been befriending since I moved here gathered in the maple trees over me and cawed together. It seemed in their complex crow language, they were encouraging me to stand.
Thankfully, my spine endured the “best” kind of breaks that could have occurred: hairline fractures. I am infinitely grateful that I am alive, let alone able to walk. But I don’t want to skim over how challenging it has been. The first few weeks were excruciating. I experienced intense muscle spasms in my back that would only recede when I laid on the floor and gently rocked. The bruised and torn muscles, ligaments and tendons took time to heal - and they are still healing.
By the end of last summer, after exploring many holistic and allopathic avenues, I began dragging my leg behind me and so decided to take up the offer of laparoscopic surgery to repair the damaged structures in my hip. I have been told by physical therapists, surgeons and others who have had hip surgery that my recovery in particular has been remarkably more complicated. In fact, all agree that a total replacement would have been much easier. In my most recent follow-up with my surgeon, I learned that there is still some structural dysfunction occurring inside the joint capsule. The next steps are yet to be known.
I have survived Lyme disease, babesiosis, bartonella, Clostridioides difficile (C. diff), seizures, ataxia, dysphasia, and generalized dystonia. I have survived being bed-ridden and wheelchair bound. I believed I had met the Master of Pain. This time, the pain alone has been an initiation unto itself. My normal walks in Nature, despite the season or temperature, have had to be temporarily halted for now. I know I will eventually get back there. I’ve come to understand that this won’t last forever.
I’m a Scorpio Sun, with a Virgo Rising and Sag Moon… which means I have a feisty, fiery spirit under a calm, collected exterior. That also means that when obstacles fall on my path, I rarely lose my focus or determination.
But there’s a downside to that. It takes an equally fierce force to signal to me that it’s time to put my hands in the air and say, “Ok, Universe, message received! I surrender to this teachable moment!” I believe that my helping spirits know that about me too and bring me to these moments with intention. That’s what I do love about this practice: the learning is constant.
Tara Brach, in her book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha, writes:
Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance. If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical Acceptance directly dismantles the very foundations of this trance.
And that is right where I landed. Despite the cane I use to walk right now, I have surrendered and have come to (without intending) radical acceptance. My tasks are now is to listen to my body, to restore myself, to explore fruitful healing avenues, to accept what my body can do and not focus on what it cannot do… in this moment.
Why do I share this? Because I feel that it can very much be applied to where we all are in these modern, American times. But first, we must feel all the feels. Remember that feelings only last for 90 seconds. After that time, if we are still feeling the same way for two hours or more, there is a story within the mind that is being fed. What is the story? Check it. Is it true?
Happiness is something that our culture seems to want to attain. There’s even unconscious messaging indirectly communicating with us that we can actually buy happiness. Again, happiness is a feeling. It’s a 90-second, fleeting feeling that we cannot hold onto. What we might actually be looking for is a state of being. The state of contentment, for example, is being in the present without worry or restlessness. That state is a practice and means we must come back to it over and over, as there is no perfecting it. Here, we can allow feelings to pass through our experience as we practice returning to the baseline state of contentment. In any event, our brain (the three pound ball of tofu in our skulls) likes to know what’s happening so it can survive. But at this moment in time, we just aren’t able to do that.
So stop. Breathe. Treat yourself well. Hold on to yourselves and each other. Tend to your rebellious heart. This is going to be a bumpy ride. In the meantime, I leave you with some nuggets of wisdom:
It’s better to retain your mental, emotional and physical health than to constantly stay informed. The constant barrage of shocking news is designed to wear down, distract, exhaust and eventually numb our exectutive functioning. Don’t allow it.
In the words from her book, Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto, Tricia Hersey states:
Loving ourselves and each other deepens our disruption of the dominant systems. They want us unwell, fearful, exhausted, and without deep self-love because you are easier to manipulate when you are distracted by what is not real or true.
So, be rebellious and allow yourself to unplug.
Be rebellious and focus on ramping up your self-care (nervine herb tinctures, salt baths, herbal infusions and teas are my personal go-to right now!).
Be rebellious and allow yourself moments of joy and laughter.
Be rebellious and get out in Nature - and if you need to, bundle up!
Be rebellious; practice mindfulness and self-love. Tend to your heart. Tend to your body.
Be rebellious and come back to the breath. Always come back to it. It’s your anchor in a stormy sea.
When you’re ready, get out in your community to help in whatever way is needed. Now is the time to join hands in solidarity. That is how we resist.
Accept what is now… but do not be indifferent. Elie Weisel said, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.”
And I’ll close with this enduring quote:
Remember that all through history, there have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they seem invincible. But in the end, they always fall. Always. ~ Gandhi
