Loving Kindness
As Valentine’s Day approaches in a couple of weeks, we might remember that it is the daily practice of loving ourselves that is to be in place before looking for another’s adoration to feel worthy of love. It is unfortunate that our culture has romanticized love, and that a belief exists that romantic love can “complete” us. In reality, no one can possibly complete us, as we are the only ones that can complete ourselves.
One of my favorite books is Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. In one chapter, entitled On Marriage, Gibran describes a beautifully balanced relationship. With poetically written words, Gibran depicts strong pillars that allow each to stand individually strong. He paints a picture of trees that do not suffocate or disempower the other. In essence, he speaks of a relationship that is healthy, balanced, and not co-dependent:
Let there be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another your bread but eat not the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
In order to have any rich, healthy relationship, one must love themselves. Self-love includes many things, in addition to discerning who is worthy of entering into our arena as well as who shows evidence of loving themselves. In Buddhism, there is a practice called loving kindness. The original name of this practice is metta bhavana, which comes from the Pali language. Metta means “love” (in a universal sense), “friendliness,” “kindness” or “loving kindness.” Bhavana means “development” or “cultivation.”
To cultivate metta for yourself, start by becoming aware of yourself. Acknowledge your thoughts, emotions and the felt sense in your body. Begin focusing on and feeding feelings of peace, calm, and tranquility within, allowing them to grow into feelings of strength and confidence that develop into love within your heart. You might use an image, like your own divine light flooding your whole energy body. Or you might say a phrase such as, “May I be well and happy,” which you can repeat to yourself. Put these words up in your home, your car, or wherever you wish. These are just some ways of stimulating the feeling of metta for yourself.
Continue practicing loving kindness for yourself by listening to your body, and practicing good self-care. Rather than spending time with those who bring feelings of deflation, exhaustion or unworthiness, spend more time with those who lift you up - who see you, and hear you - just as you are - on a consistent basis. In turn, approach these same loved ones with the metta that you have cultivated within yourself.
